Written by Dr. Joannie DeBrito, Family Support Specialist
If your children are experiencing marital discord, separation, or divorce, there are several ways you can support them and your grandchildren that may lessen the negative impact.
Prevention Is Better Than Intervention
Encourage your child and his or her spouse to address marital discord as soon as it comes up by seeking the help of a licensed marriage and family therapist.
You may be surprised to learn that there is no issue or problem in a marriage that can’t be resolved when both spouses are determined to work toward change and seek God’s help. You might assume that a pattern of multiple affairs would surely destroy a marriage and be reasonable grounds for a divorce. While that might be true in some cases, it’s important for you to know that couples can and do work through many significant problems in a marriage. Some examples are marital infidelity, pornography addictions, disruptions related to mental health disorders, poverty, and other challenges to a marriage.
Usually, couples need strong support from family members, friends, pastors, mentors, and a licensed and qualified marriage counselor. Sometimes a period of separation is helpful to provide a break from frequent arguments and help spouses get a clearer perspective on the ways they are contributing to marital problems.
Encourage your son or daughter and his or her spouse to consider an intensive marriage counseling program such as Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored program or seek help from a therapist to structure a healing separation. Be available to provide childcare for your grandchildren or help set that up if you live far away, so they will be well cared for while their mom and dad are getting help.
Listen to Your Children and Grandchildren
Provide a safe place and undistracted time to talk about what your adult children are thinking and feeling as they go through this storm. Focus on hearing, rather than giving advice, and carefully refrain from taking sides.
Encourage your grandchildren to draw, take a walk or hike, or go out to dinner while they are talking with you as these distractions often result in them being more forthcoming than if they were just sitting and having a conversation with you. They need to express their thoughts and emotions and know it’s okay to feel or think those things.
Help them come up with ways to manage their internal turmoil. This is like giving them an umbrella or a raincoat in the middle of a rainstorm. The storm is still there, but they can talk about their discomfort and get some relief in the middle of it.
Encourage Civility
Hostility between spouses, if seen and heard by their children, can be very damaging. It’s easier said than done, but your adult children must set a good example of healthy conflict management for their children. Revenge-seeking and intentionally trying to manipulate a situation in one party’s favor is not helpful. Your grandchildren need to learn to trust both of their parents, even if they do not remain married.
If one spouse- your child or his or her spouse- is participating in behavior that presents a potentially harmful situation for the family, help the responsible spouse find lawful means to provide protection for your adult child and grandchildren.
Establish Buffers
Help your adult child put stress buffers and crisis prevention measures into place if there is a decision to divorce. Loss of social support, the loss of a home, and minimal contact with a noncustodial parent are examples of situations that are likely to exacerbate any negative reactions to divorce in your grandchildren.
Prior to the divorce, the more you and your adult child can do to help grandchildren build supportive relationships with you, their friends, other family members, and helpful people in their lives, the better they will cope after the divorce.
Minimize the Losses
Help your adult child absorb some of the predictable losses after a divorce so the impact on your grandchildren is minimal. Adjusting to the loss of a marriage in the family is hard enough for kids, so it’s up to parents and grandparents to do what they can to minimize the losses.
Discuss creative ways to avoid your grandchildren having to move to a new home or school or leave friends and pets behind. Provide financial help so they can stay in their home if it seems appropriate for your adult child’s situation.
Establish regular one-on-one time with your adult child and grandchildren, if possible.People process divorce differently depending on their personality, sex, age, and communication styles. Look for opportunities to connect with them one at a time, rather than all together.
Respond Proactively
Encourage your adult child to respond quickly and proactively to any signs of problems in your grandchildren that may be related to marital discord, separation, or divorce. Listen to concerns expressed by your adult child about your grandchildren’s observed problematic behaviors.
Watch for changes in academic progress, social relationships, behavior, or physical or psychological health observed by you, your adult child, his or her friends, other parents, teachers, pastors, or others. If they’re observed, encourage your son or daughter to seek help quickly. He or she could contact a school counselor, mental health professional, or someone who has a positive influence on your grandchildren.
Encourage Healthy Routines and Limit Setting
Don’t forget that even though marital problems may cause stress for grandchildren, kids still need to stick to some established routines and have limits and consistency.
It’s tempting for parents and grandparents to feel bad for their kids as they are struggling through a family crisis and to ease up on enforcing boundaries. But children need the predictability of boundaries so they can feel that things will be okay. They may fight the limits—that’s normal—but they need them to feel safe.
