Written by Dr. Joannie DeBrito, Family Support Specialist
In the first part of this series, I discussed how to help your grandchildren understand the good and bad of technology and set limits on their screen time so they can see the value of personally interacting with others.
In this second part, I will address how to help grandchildren develop face-to-face communication skills for building good family relationships.
Social skills are necessary for good human interaction. Our devices are doing a lot of communication for us these days, and we, as humans, have to adapt to new technologies.
However, human beings were designed to communicate face-to-face. Therefore, our grandchildren need to develop good skills for engaging with others when not online, and that learning starts in the family.
Parents are the primary teachers, but kids need a lot of repetition to fully learn something. Talk to your children first, to find out their ideas for good communication in the family, and agree to follow their plan. If you disagree, be honest and try to come to an agreement. Feel free to give your opinion if they ask for it.
Grandparents make good partners for their grandchildren when they are learning to be good face-to-face communicators. Once kids become comfortable with communicating within their families, they can use those skills to communicate with others outside of the family.
Here are some ideas to help you and your children show and tell your grandchildren how to communicate well and build strong relationships in your family:
1. 85% of communication is non-verbal so teach, via modeling and talking, good non-verbal communication that encourages healthy relationships.
Non-verbals can include:
- Having eye contact when talking with someone.
- Listening when someone is talking to us.
- Keeping facial expressions and body language that indicate we are listening and engaged.
2. Start by teaching kids how to communicate with just one person.
This can include:
- Using good non-verbal communication as described above.
- Learning to go back and forth with questions, comments, and answers.
- Reinforcing good communication by telling your grandchild what he or she did well.
Children are more likely to learn new skills by reinforcing good skills first and then gently correcting mistakes.
3. When you are together as a family, use a “speaker staff” to have just one person speak at a time.
Designate any object (a wooden spoon, a pen, a cup, etc.) as something to be held by one member of the family when he or she is speaking to serve as a reminder for others not to interrupt and to listen well.
If people in your family tend to be long-winded, you can use a timer and keep each speaker’s comments to a minute or two.
4. Teach and model that conflicts are normal in a family, and often, the conflict is not that one person is right and the other person is wrong, but that there is a difference in opinion.
Show grandchildren how to respectfully disagree and listen well to another person. Share stories with them of times when you were sure you were right but learned that there was just a difference of opinion. Talk about conflicts that you handled well and those that you didn’t.
Let them see you and your spouse or another family member argue respectfully with one another and come to a resolution. Children should not be shielded from seeing adults disagree. They need to see disagreements handled respectfully and without any emotional or physical harm done.
Of course, the disagreements should be about age-appropriate topics. This is easiest when there is a simple disagreement such as two people disagreeing about where to go out to lunch.
5. When conflicts become more serious, teach and model James 1:19-20.
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (ESV)
6. Have regular conversations about the things you are grateful for in your family and as grandparents, and encourage grandchildren to regularly consider and express appreciation to you and others.
The more your grandchildren can articulate positive messages to their family members, the more likely they are to have strong family relationships. If they do this regularly within their families, they will be more likely to do it with people outside of the family.
This is an important skill in building strong friendships. None of us want to be around people who complain a lot. We want to be around people who encourage and uplift us!
