Written by Dr. Joannie DeBrito, Family Support Specialist
When I think about blending, I envision a bunch of yummy ingredients, tumbling into a blender easily and mixing slowly into a perfectly balanced drink that is appropriately called a “smoothie”. It’s not lumpy, bumpy, or hard to swallow. Instead, it’s experienced as a tasty concoction that bathes your throat with a cool, smooth, and refreshing sensation.
This is very different from the blending that many families experience when they attempt to join two existing families together, usually after the death of a parent or a divorce.
Blending Takes Work
For obvious reasons, the potential for conflict and strained relationships is very high when two families blend into a new one. Relationships that have been developing for a long time are now required to exist alongside new ones with people who are supposed to be a part of the closest relationships we often experience- those with family members.
However, because both families bring histories of traditions, cultural practices, and relational styles that often do not match one another, it requires them to blend with the intention of working together to compromise on their traditions and create new ones.
Usually, the new parents are committed to making things work, but that’s a lot to expect of children who may not be as excited about the idea of blending as their parent and the new spouse. Sometimes blending is also very messy or even traumatic for children.
For example, one of my friends in high school moved into a home with her father and his new wife, only to find out that her new stepmother’s son was a boy who had bullied her all through school. So now, she was supposed to feel comfortable sitting at the dinner table with him and sleeping in the bedroom next to him each night. Talk about awkward and uncomfortable!
Grandparents, you can be a wooden spoon, helping your younger family members blend well.
Be a Sounding Board
It starts with being a sounding board for children and grandchildren who are anticipating the blending, taking time to hear their worries, fears, and concerns. Encourage them to feel free to hold on to parts of their family history that are particularly important to them, while being willing to give up or modify some parts and open to learning new traditions from the other family.
Also, be aware of a very common relationship issue that often occurs in blended families. Children may seem to love a potential new stepparent before their parent marries a new spouse but may fully reject and make life miserable for the new parent once the marriage is final.
This is because children often cling to the fantasy that their biological or adoptive parents will get back together if given the chance. Additionally, they desire to hold the connection to a deceased parent, without ever having that connection interrupted by someone else. They therefore see their mother’s or father’s new spouse as the person who ruined those fantasies. They try to figure out how to break their parent and stepparent up.
Knowing that this is common can help you, as a grandparent, to support your child if your grandchildren are not accepting their new spouse or if your child is being rejected by his or her new stepchildren. Encourage the parent to empathize with how difficult blending can be for children. Encourage them to try to build a relationship by showing interest in their activities and passions.
Allow Time and Space to Grieve
Furthermore, you can help your grandchildren by giving them plenty of time and space to grieve the death of a parent or a divorce. Help them learn that building a relationship with a new parent or new siblings does not need to change the relationship they had (or still have) with their biological or adoptive parent.
Assist With Childcare
Another way to support is to be available to assist with childcare as the new couple is trying to establish their relationship or as a new parent is taking time to establish a relationship with a new stepchild. It’s typically best for new parents to try to connect with one new child at a time.
Offer Encouragement
Additionally, as your daughter or son and his or her new spouse and children wrestle with which traditions need to remain and which may be ok to let go of or change, offering encouragement can be especially helpful. You might watch for ways that the two families seem to be interacting well and suggest that they create some new traditions.
For instance, maybe you have noticed that each part of the family likes to cook, but both prefer different types of food. One part of the family could teach the other part how to prepare the food they like and vice versa. Then, for one or two holidays per year, the blended family could decide on a completely different style of food and some new holiday traditions.
Finally, expect disagreements, arguments, and sometimes significant rifts in relationships. Help your children and grandchildren focus on what they are doing well. Encourage counseling with a marriage and family therapist if rifts become destructive to family unity or cause concerns about any family member’s health, safety, or well-being.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself! You can only help if you have a full tank from which to support your children and grandchildren.
